i really should be sleeping... but santa has already come.

my. christmas has come and gone with one fell swoop, it seems. 

how incredibly sad it was this year... a time usually filled with celebration and happiness.

perhaps that is why i find myself awake at 1:30 in the morning. 

it was the first ufkin christmas without grandma ufkin. most of us were okay, even mirthful as the evening went on... but the beginning was hard. with hardly two feet in the door, grandpa couldn't even say "merry christmas" without a shaky voice backed by tears. which spurred more tears. and more tears. it's hard for me to even look at him... a shell of the man he once was, slowly wasting away without her. it absolutely breaks my heart. maybe i'm just being overly emotional, but it's so hard. i've always heard that the holidays are some of the bitterest times of the year... but i've never felt that until now. thankfully, as the evening went on i think everyone forgot the need to be sad, and cale and ellie, my 3-year-old second cousins, definitely lifted our spirits with their antics, laughter, and snuggles. 

the exchanging of gifts was also depressing, to be frank. usually we gather in a big circle around the tree, and as one or two gifts are presented we all watch happily. this year, it was done in clusters, people scattered here and there, everyone opening gifts at the same time. or should i say envelopes... cale and ellie were the only ones to have actual presents. the rest of us got cold, hard cash. which i'm very grateful for, especially in this economy, but i would've much preferred a book picked our especially for me. a new scarf. a fun dvd or board game. i guess i'm not a kid anymore. 

with all this said.... i don't mean to sound like a broken, bitter gal in need of a visit from the ghosts of christmas past. i love my family terribly. i just wish we weren't in so much pain.